Aug. 22, 2008
I realize you just graduated high school and that you have probably seen Animal House, Can’t Hardly Wait, and Road Trip. However, here are a few lessons from the veterans…..think of it as something to always keep in mind:
1. Flip Flops are your best friend. Remember your in a community shower and there is some nasty crap just waiting to attach to your feet.
2. Ramen Noodles are a wholesome meal. They are quick, easy to make, and cheap.
3. If you are still in a relationship from high school, break up with them, it’ll be over in four weeks.
4. If your thinking about getting into a relationship with a girl you met at freshmen orientation, forget it, it’ll be over in four hours.
5. If the college is small, join a fraternity or play a sport, it is the only way you’ll be going to the best parties.
6. Don’t want to join a fraternity or have no athletic bone in your body? Fine, become friends with those guys, it is the only way you’ll be going to ANY party.
7. Speaking of fraternity, girls, join a sorority, you’ll get treated like gold if your hot enough. Otherwise, if your ugly, this is the only chance you’ll get to meet hot guys who will actually want to make out with you (because they are drunk).
8. DO NOT BRING A CAR TO COLLEGE. YOU WILL BE THE TAXI FOR EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE.
9. College food generally sucks, but don’t worry your stomach will eventually get used to it because after all the beer it’ll be the best thing ever.
10. Every pizza place is open from 1 AM to 6 AM. Or at least, that is what it feels like after a long night out on the town. Either way it’ll take an hour to get to you.
11. All that nice stuff you brought with you to hang up in your dorm room will be destroyed within the first few months.
12. You will puke. A lot. Probably every weekend at least during the first few months. Get used to it.
13. The hot girls from high school will gain the ‘freshmen 15′. AKA they will gain at least 15 lbs. Sorry.
14. The ugly girls may have just had the ‘ugly duck’ syndrome in high school and may become hot. Keep an eye out for that, they could just be a sleeper this year.
15. If you have a cleaning person aka pseudo janitor on your floor, try to be nice and courteous to them at all times. They have to clean up after you every day and no matter how bad you make a mess they have seen worse.
16. Better yet, in reference to number 15, buy them a handle of their favorite liquor or a case a beer every once in awhile. They will never forget that.
17. Sunday is pajama day, you will see guys and girls at their absolute worst.
18. This should have been bumped up, but get the taxi’s phone number and remember it as if it was your social security number.
19. Girls, if your going to wear tank tops and spaghetti straps in the dead of winter, remember a damn coat.
20. Get a good fake ID. I mean really good. The person your handing it to has seen enough fake ID’s to know yours is crap.
21. If your friends ‘work the door’ at a bar or club, you can pretty much just walk in the place. Treat them well.
22. Every bar, club, house party will be packed, get their early, drink what you can and then ride the storm out.
23. When arriving at a house party, scope out of the proper exit routes in case the 5-0 show up to ruin all the fun.
24. If you see a colorful blend of liquids in a garbage can/bag or tupperware container have no fear. It is Jungle Juice, a mixture of very strong liquor and juicy drinks. However, it will take you from 0 - 60 in 2.5 drinks.
25. Girls, I think this goes without saying, never leave your drink unattended because your more than likely going to wake up the next day not remembering how you ended up in an alley.
26. Go to the gym, lift weights, just do something so your body isn’t completely wrecked by the end of first semester.
27. Your first semester, heck even your first year, are going to be some of the easiest classes ever.
28. It is acceptable to get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of class without asking a damn soul.
29. If your going to commute to college, prepare to have as little fun as possible.
30. An ‘RA’ is the Resident Assistant, think of them as the assistant principle. The ‘RD’ is the Resident Director, think of them as the principal. The difference? None really, they are both assholes.
31. Learn how to do laundry, “White’s Warm, Color’s Cold”. Easy on the dryer, set it for medium about 45 minutes. Delicate’s should be hung to dry.
32. There will be drugs, everywhere, proceed with caution.
33. Books are expensive, try to get them online through exchange sites or finding out if they are really necessary at all from upperclassmen. If you buy at the bookstore, you will get .05% back compared to the price you purchased.
34. Your teacher knows if you are hungover in class….remember that they were once in your shoes.
35. Try not to get arrested.
